"Where did I go wrong?"

A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. "I sent
him to Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah," says the
man, "and now he tells me he's decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did
I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I also brought my boy up
in the faith and gave him a fancy Bar Mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells
me he's decided to become a Christian."

"So what did you do?" asked the man. 

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. 

"And what did he say?" pressed the man. 

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so
addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get
withdrawal symptoms.

One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if
I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser
and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck
out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.


Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d. Moses said, "Look how
terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!" G-d replied,
"Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."

Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the
ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and
landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!

Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach
him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"

A man is walking down the street in New York City when a
beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him,
with green skin. Stunned, the man starts to speak with her.

"Excuse me, but I'm amazed that you just popped out of thin air.
How did you do that?"

"Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call
'Outer Space.'"

"Andromeda?" says the man. "I can't believe it. Do all the women
on Andromeda have green skin like you?"

"Yes, everyone is green on Andromeda," replys the woman.

The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but
I can't help but notice that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here
on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans
have 12 toes on each foot?"

"Yes," replies the woman. "Everyone on Andromeda has 12 toes on
each foot."

"Please, may I ask you one more question?" the man states.

"Sure," replies the woman.

"I also can't help notice that on each of your hands you have
seven fingers and on each finger you have a large diamond. Here
on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all the
Andromedan women have diamonds on their fingers?"

"Well. . .," the woman answers, "not the goyim."

TOUR GUIDE TERM ...........TRANSLATION

Old world charm ........................Room and a path
Tropical .....................................Rainy
Majestic setting ..............A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore ...........................Nothing is included in the
itinerary
Secluded hideaway ....................Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms ...................Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own ..................At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees .............................No extras
Nominal fee ...............................Outrageous charge
Standard ...................................Sub-standard
Deluxe ......................................Barely Standard
Superior accomodations.......One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities ........................Two chocolates, two shower caps
Plush .............................Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ..........................In hurricane alley
Light and airy ............................No air conditioning
Picturesque ..............................Theme park nearby
24-hour bar .................Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)

Jewish Telegram

"Begin worrying.  Details to follow."

 I've sure gotten old..

  I've had two by-pass surgeries,
  A hip replacement, new knees,
  Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes,
  Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
  different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
  and subject to blackouts.
  Have bouts with dementia,
  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92,
  Have lost all my friends,
  But.....Thank goodness I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!
  
  Ain't Florida great? 

This guy went to a doctor's office with a pickle up his nose, 
pizza shoved in his right ear and a straw sticking out of 
his left ear and said, "Doctor, I'm not feeling well."

The doctor replied, "That's because you're not eating right."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who just  passed away.  
At the end of the service the pall bearers are
carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall,
jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the
woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years!!!

Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same
funeral parlor.

At the end of the ceremony, the  pall  bearers are again carrying
out the casket.  As they are walking down the aisle the husband
cries out...........   "Watch out for the wall!!!"

You might be a Jewish Redneck if....

1.  You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette
2.  Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
3.  Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of 
    Haman's name
4.  You have a gun rack in your sukkah
5.  You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
6.  You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish
     Law
7.  You don't ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
8.  When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
9 . You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting
     lease

An assimilated Jewish woman from the Midwest is visiting Philadelphia and
gets on a bus.  A few stops later, a man with a wide-brimmed black hat,
white shirt, long black coat, black pants, black shoes, and a long curly
black beard gets on and sits down beside her.

The woman looks at him with disgust.  "Jews like you," she hisses at him,
"give us all a bad name."

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon madam?"

She says, "Look at you.  All in black, a beard, never take off your hat!
It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a problem!"

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.  I'm
Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice.  You've kept your customs."

Bill Clinton, last week, was dismayed by the errors being made by the CIA
and FBI.  He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows
things we don't know.  How come the Jews here know things we don't 
know?" Freeh called in Moe Katz, an undercover agent, and he told
Clinton, "We have a code.  We ask "Vos titzach?" -- what's happening? --
and we share  the information." Clinton orders a disguise.  He puts on a
caftan and shtreimel, a beard with payess and scuffed black shoes.  They
fly him in a stealth fighter to McGuire airbase in New Jersey and put him
in an old, dented station wagon with an elderly Hassid driver.  He is
dropped off in Boro Park and  approaches a man dressed as he is.  "Vos
titzach?" Clinton asks."Shhh," the man replies, "Bill Clinton is in
Brooklyn."

Ice Fishing

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools
together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her 
comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. 

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, 
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. And again,
from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite
end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The
voice came once more, even louder: 
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, L-rd?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
_______________________________________________
Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
A - Under the Vacuum cleaner.
______________________________________________ 
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't
      want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
_________________________________________
Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife
fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank goodness
for that....I'd thought I'd gone deaf ! "
________________________________________________
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish
mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten
in three days......" Force yourself. " she replied.
___________________________________________ 
Did you hear that Al Italia and El Al were merging
form a new airline? 
It's called    "Well I'll tell ya.
_____________________________________________

The 3 fastest means of communication

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman

The Perfect Rabbi

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches
exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He
works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a
week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives
about  $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30
years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of
his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with
a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously
dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families,
shut-ins and the  hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other
synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi
and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list.  In one week, you
will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in
this  procedure.

One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than
three weeks....so don't break the chain.

World's Shortest Books:

25.  MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
24.  THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23.  TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22.  THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21.  HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20.  THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19.  THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18.  AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17.  AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16.  CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15.  DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14.  DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13.  DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12.  EASY UNIX
11.  ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10.  EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
 9.  EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
 8.  FRENCH HOSPITALITY
 7.  GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
 6.  HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
 5.  MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
 4.  SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by The EPA
 3.  STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
 2.  THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

and the number one World's Shortest Book:

 1.  THE BOOK OF VIRTUES-by Bill Clinton

Little known facts about snow in Jewish tradition and lore:

* Many traditional Jewish congregations refuse to count
    snowmen in the prayer quorum.

* Medieval Jewish mystics practiced rolling in the snow to
    purge themselves from evil urges. They were the first
    snow angels.

* Moses Maimonides, 10th century physician to the Egyptian
    Khalif, prescribed snow as a cure for the hot Cairo
    summers.

* The elders of Safed have 36 different words for snow --
    but none for snow removal.


* During 3 particularly cold Sinai winters, the Israelites
    were led by a pillar of snow.

* It is forbidden to write in the snow on the Sabbath.

* Following the great Jerusalem blizzard of 1900, Zionist
    visionary Theodor Herzl proposed the "Uganda option."

* According to some rabbinic authorities, one must wait six
    hours between going out in the snow and in the rain.

* On snowy days, the procession of King Solomon's immediate
    family was pulled by 2,800 reindeer and 1,200 huskies.


* Israel's national hockey team participated in the 1992
    Winter Games, dominating both the Olympic village and
    concession area.

* On January 9, 1896, a snowball from St. Patrick's
    elementary school landed in Mrs. Manischewitz's kitchen,
    inspiring her to invent matzo ball soup.

* Of the entire Hebrew scriptures, the Book of Job contains
    the most references to snow. Hence the expression,
   "Snow Job."

A Mother's New Year Resolutions
By:  Debbie Farmer

I always start the new year by writing a list of ambitious  resolutions 
that are harder  to achieve than fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans. 
Although I always start out with the best of intensions, this year I 
figured I might be more successful if I lowered my standards and 
modified  my resolutions to more reasonable goals.

Last year's resolution: The television will remain off during school 
days. Quality family time will be spent reading, talking to each other, 
exploring the outdoors, or doing arts and crafts.

This year's resolution: The television will remain off every other 
Tuesday morning on even months beginning with the letter J. We will spend
quality time eating fast food out of styrofoam containers and seeing who
can make the fanciest design in catsup with their fries.

Last year:  I will create gourmet meals from scratch, seasoned with 
fresh herbs from my garden.
  
This year:  I will use a spice other than salt. 

Last year:  I will decorate my house with custom holiday items handmade
from dried cuttings grown in my backyard.

This year: I will make a homemade Christmas wreath for the PTA potluck
by pouring macaroni and cheese into a jello mold. 

Last year:  I will improve my mind by joining a local book club so I 
can  read and have lively discussions on current literature.

This year:  I will stay awake long enough to read a picture book to 
my children without falling asleep in their beds.

Last year: I will take time to talk and actively listen to my children 
so I can learn about who they are and grow to respect them as 
individuals.

This year: I will not nod off when  my daughter tells me what she did
at school, who she ate lunch with,  how much she ate, how much everybody
else ate, the rules of the new game she played at recess afterwards, 
how many times she won,  and the plot of the last Disney movie she
watched
--  even if my brain goes numb and my teeth fall asleep.

Last year:  I will strive to lose weight, be more organzized, and
successful like my childless friends.

This year:  I will make my childless friends feel overweight,
disorganized, and inadaquate by having them babysit my children.  

Last year:  I will try to stay informed of political happenings and 
current events.

This year: I will try to remember what day it is, where I live, and 
my real name.

Last Year:  I will make my children's halloween costumes, entire school
wardrobe,  and a a set of custom curtains for their bedroom that match 
the Disney characters on their wallpaper.

This year:  I will attach  my daughter's girlscout patches without using
a glue gun and stapler.

Last year:  I will let my children know how much I love them.

This year: I will let my children know how much I love them.

When I finished writing I stuck the list on the refrigerator and, as 
I popped a bag of frozen peas into the microwave and hid a basket of
ironing behind the sofa,  I knew I had finally made some resolutions 
I could keep. 

Jewish Grammar Rules

1.  Phrase statements as questions.  Instead of telling Ida she  looks
gorgeous, ask her, ...."How stunning do you have to look?"

2.  Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another
question.  When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"

3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?"  This allows the
other person to interject another question:  "Has she grown up, or what?"; 
"Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?"  (About now, a
spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)

4. Begin questions with "What?"  Example:  "What, my cooking is not
good enough for you?"

5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect
object):  "What, do you want to get killed going alone?  Harry will go
with" (drop "you").

6. Move subject to end of sentences:  "Is SHE getting heavy, that
Esther?"

7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt:  "Is Esther still dating
that Norman fellow?"

8.  Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the
listener should have done too:  "We got a lovely note from the Goldman's
for hosting the Seder."  (Translation:  "What, you didn't eat and drink
too, at my Seder?...You slob, you didn't send a Thank You note.")

Vocabulary
~~~~~~~~~
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words
for neurotic.

Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone
mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus
vus ehr reht..... Here are a few words to get you started.

1.  "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval:  "Cadillac
schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"

2.  Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking
Hebonics like a real Jew.  Nothing makes us giggle harder than the
sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same
"ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.

3.  Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used 
as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left 
with the check?"

4.  Schmoe--See schmuck.

5.  Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear
 those schmatas, that Esther?"

6.  Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in
conversation it's sappy or corny.  "The movie was OK, but why such
a schmaltzy ending?"

Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to
wait around for an answer.  If you've got something to say, speak up.
Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed?  That's not the
way to fix a leaky faucet!"  (You will never use this phrase, however,
since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)

Interrupt often.  It shows that you are interested in the conversation.
If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.

Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
between cars and drives recklessly.  Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who
gave that maniac a driver's license?"
....Wrong answer:....  "In the 1950s, the United States
 made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over
public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs
and stimulated the economy.  Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's
license." ....Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."

Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics.When
shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted
at your low ball offer on merchandise.  He may shout, "What, I'm the
schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?"  The untrained Gentile
simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the 
negotiations begin."

......There will be a Test , so learn your Yiddish Grammar !!